We're on to the Formal Application!

Well, our preliminary application has been approved!  We are on to the formal application.  Next comes the homestudy process.  I can't believe we're actually on the road to bringing her home!  I  just can't believe we're one step closer to our baby!

We're also working on the nursery, and it's no small task.  After peeling the purple wallpaper, I found tons of damage to the walls.  My nephew, Ryan, is now mudding the walls and making them as smooth as possible.  Once that's completed, I will move on to painting.  I haven't decided on a color.  I tried two samples, but they were far too pink.  I really want a cream with just a hint of pink, but its been hard to find. Then we're on to flooring as the hot pink carpet has GOT to GO!

So...the process is slow, and as such, so are the updates here.  I'd say no news is good news, but in this case, no news is just...no news.  At least we're making progress, and I'm so excited about that!

No Busted Baby-Maker...

A few people now have asked why we are adopting.  No, I do not have a busted baby-maker...I have a health issue that would complicate pregnancy.  I am perfectly capable of conceiving, it's just not wise for me.

I have a condition called Hidradenitis Suppurativa (HS).  HS is basically a skin condition in which sweat glands get infected.  Some people suffer horribly with this condition, I do not.  God has blessed me so greatly... I have a very mild case.  I had surgery in 2007 to remove the sweat glands from underneath both arms, and it was successful, but only temporarily.  The sweat glands grow back, and the HS can present again (and it has.)  I could have them lanced in the hospital, and I have once, but it's not worth that pain.  I can just wait it out and get in a hot bath (which is far preferable to having someone stick a needle in it!)  For me, this means some uncomfortable days when I have an infection, usually on my thigh is the worst, but that's generally the extent of it.  It doesn't inhibit me at all.  I never even have to take a Tylenol.

Sadly, there are many people who suffer greatly.  They are permanently disabled, scarred, in constant pain, and depressed.  Pregnancy usually does one of two things to someone with HS: the pregnancy makes the HS go into "remission", only to become significantly worse post-partum.  Alternately, HS can get progressively worse throughout the entire pregnancy and remain that way post-partum.

In most of the cases I've read about, these are the two most likely scenarios for HS pregnancies.  The disturbing part is that the aggressive post-partum HS never dies back down.  Most women who had mild cases then suffered severe cases...permanently.

Caring for a newborn, or a child of any age, is physically demanding work.  I can't do that work if I'm disabled from the HS.  I'm sure there's a slight chance that I could have a healthy pregnancy and the HS wouldn't get any worse, but those odds are extremely low.  I'm not willing to take that risk, and neither is Tom.  Tom gets upset when I have a "bump" (as I call them, for lack of a better word) now, and they are never too bad!  I can't imagine how upset he would be if the HS got worse.  He hates seeing me in pain...he feels helpless.  I find that ironic somehow... that he should feel that way when he is the least helpless man I know.  He's always so strong, so capable, so in control.

So we talked about it.  We weighed our options...for about two minutes.  Neither one of us is stuck on "biology" in the least.  Neither one of us cares one bit whether our child looks like us or not.  Sure, it'd be neat to see Tom's gorgeous blue eyes staring back at me from our daughter's face, but you know what's cooler?  Seeing Tom hold her.  Watching her sleep on his chest.  Listening to her laugh as he tickles her belly.  We don't need the DNA to be her parents...we just need the love.  And that we have in abundant supply.

Adoption wasn't really much of a discussion at all in our house.  It was kind of like "Yeah, that's the way we'll build our family!"  It wasn't a decision born of infertility, struggle, last resorts, or desperation.  It was just...natural.  Right.

And pregnancy, you ask?  Won't I miss being pregnant?  Having that experience of my child growing inside of me?  Yeah, a little.  But I kind of equate a pregnancy to a wedding.  Hear me out on this one; the wedding is just one day.  It's one moment in time.  It's a teardrop in a rainstorm.  It's the marriage that counts...the wedding is just a fancy announcement.  And pregnancy is the same (for me, at least), in that it's the same teardrop in a rainstorm.  It's the life that counts.  It's the life.

Love to All.

Some days are better than others...

Today was not one the better days.  Usually, I try and stay upbeat about everything that's going on, but sometimes it's not quite that easy.  This morning, I wound up lying in bed crying while Tom snuggled up next to me.  He just let me cry it out, and then (in typical Tom fashion) he made it better.  We talked and he reminded me that we're on track, no matter how slow it seems.  It's hard to believe that we just made this decision a few months ago.  It feels like years, and the waiting is so very difficult.  All I want is to hold our daughter in my arms, and for this daunting process to be behind us.  Like I said, some days are better than others....

Love to All.

Working on our Parent Profile is hard!

Right now, I'm busy starting our parent profile.  This is much harder than I anticipated it would be.  A parent profile is what you create, give to agency, and is then shown to moms-to-be considering an adoption plan.  Since I'm a scrapbooker, ours is in scrapbook form.  I'm making two, though I'm not sure yet whether our agency will want just one, or more than the two I'm creating.  Hmm, I'll call tomorrow and clarify that.

Nonetheless, I'm finding this a difficult project to complete.  Whereas the creativity usually flows quite easily for me when I'm creating pages, I'm acutely aware of what these pages mean and that makes the whole process take on a new dimension.

When I'm choosing photographs, it's difficult to pick which ones to include.  I mean, what photo can convey the longing I have to be a mother?  What photo can express how wonderful a father Tom is, and how excited I am to watch him father our child?  What photo can impart the desire we have to share our lives with a little one?  It's tough to have to sort through photos of your life and family and pick ones that you think will resonate with someone, ones that show who we really are.

Some people contend that the photos are actually more important than what you write, because photos are a way for a mom-to-be to instantly connect to the potential adoptive parents.  Well, if our photos convey anything to a mom to be, I pray that they convey the adoration Tom and I have for one another, the joy and laughter that we share, the beautiful daughter that we love, the amazing families that stand behind us, and the crazy friends that share our lives.

I have to admit: the prospect of becoming the mother of an infant for the first time in my life isn't nearly as intimidating as completing this profile!  But God is with me as I complete this scrapbook, and He knows exactly which baby is ours.  He will send our profile to the mom-to-be who will become a part of our family, so I'm trusting in Him.

Love to All.

Working on the House

We need to start preparing for the home study, and the first thing is to finish up a little work around the house.  The next month or so will be spent fixing up all those "little things" here and there that need to be finished up.  While we're working on the small details in the house, we'll also start working on gathering all the necessary paperwork for the caseworker.  Next up - fingerprints, background checks, etc.  Once all of the preliminary work is completed, then we're on to the actual home study and interviews.

And after that?  We'll be paper pregnant!  Paper pregnant means that we are officially waiting for a match.  That's the part that could take several years.  It's a bit longer than the nine months for other expectant parents, but in the end we will bring home our daughter...and that's what matters!

So all in all, there's much work to be done.  Starting now brings up one step closer to the end goal: our baby girl!

Love to All.

Why Open Adoption?

Choosing Open Adoption is a scary choice, but one that we're committed to.  There are several types of adoption available.

A) Closed Adoption - Birthparents and Adoptive Parents share absolutely no identifying information, and
     there is no contact.

B) Semi-Open Adoption - Birthparents and Adoptive Parents share no identifying information, and there is
     contact via adoption coordinator until the child is eighteen.

C) Open Adoption - Birthparents and Adoptive Parents share identifying information, and there is personal
     contact as agreed upon by the birth and adoptive parents.

We are choosing Open Adoption for several reasons.  We think it's best for the birthparents.  They, especially the birthmom, can heal as she still remains an active part of her child's life.  And it will be so much better for our daughter, as well.  She will have her birthmom, possibly her birthdad (if he's around), her birthgrandparents, and possibly other relatives as well.  How awesome will that be for her?  And we like the idea that she won't grow up with questions about her birthparents, her heritage, her birthmom's choices, why her birthmom isn't around...Open Adoption just seems to answer so many questions that adopted children grow up with.  (I've done a LOT of research on this!)

What we want for our child is for her birthfamily to be a part of her life: school plays, Christmases, birthdays, cookouts...we want to share it all.

It does take a lot of courage to take on such a foreign relationship.  Adoptive parents must feel so scared of the birthmother, the birthfamily.  After all, the birth relationship is the one thing we can't give our children.  But honestly, I've been here before, and I've done this before.

I have already have a daughter.  Okay, she's technically my "step" daughter, yes.  She's my husband's child from his first marriage, and she's now almost 23 years old.  She's this amazing, talented, down to earth, vulnerable, courageous girl whom I love like she's mine...because she is.  By the way, she has a mom.  She has two moms.  Of course there are times I used to get jealous and insecure about the fact that she already had a mother, and this mother of hers gave her life.  I can never give her that.  But her relationship with her mom in no way takes away from or changes the relationship she has with me, and that relationship grows and evolves every day.

So yeah, I've been there.  I have a child who has a mother, and it doesn't change my relationship with my daughter at all.  I guess it makes it easier for me to embrace an open adoption relationship with our child's birthmother and birthfamily, so that's really a blessing from God.

Our belief is that there can never be too many people to love a child.

Love to All.

Happy Dance!

We went to the informational meeting at Bethany Christian Services last night!  It was awesome, and we are extremely excited!  It has given us new hope in our adoption journey.

First of all, most placements occur in state, which we deeply desire.  Also, though they mainly do semi-open adoptions, they will also do fully open adoptions, which we also desire.  So that is excellent news.  In addition, the price is significantly easier to handle!  Remember, the first place we contacted was for profit, and Bethany is not for profit.  Out the door, the adoption should run around $25-28K.  That is so much more manageable for us.  After the federal adoption tax credit we would get, our out of pocket costs would run approximately $12-15K.  Between my adoption bracelets and jewelry sales, our fundraisers, etc., this should be doable.

There are some downsides, of course.  There is a 12-24 month wait time for matching.  That's on top of the 2-6 month wait time for paperwork processing.  And there's the possibility of an additional wait because we are gender specific (we want a baby girl.)

All in all, the additional waiting is rough but necessary, considering the fact that this is a third the cost of the first place we talked to.  Our plan is to start the paperwork and home study sometime this year, and at that point we will start the clock to be matched.  It could be years, or it could be months.  It just all depends on God's timing...He knows when our baby girl will be born.

Love to All.

Diversity Calendar Holidays?

Tom is off today!  Yay!  A nice, mellow day to hang out with my husband in the middle of the week.  He's off today because it's one of his "alternative" holidays, and he has to pick it off of the "diversity" calendar.  Hmm, Diversity Calendar?  This drove me to look up what possible holidays occur on this day.  Interestingly enough, there are several.

~ Ash Wednesday
~ Barbie Day
~ Get Over It Day
~ Joe Franklin Day
~ Lent Begins
~ Panic Day
~ 24 Hour Global Marathon for, By, and About Women in Engineering and Technology Day
~ Learn What Your Name Means Day
~ Registered Dietician Day
~ Feast Day of St. Francis of Rome
~ National Crabmeat Day
~ Cabin Fever Day

So since he's off today, I'm wondering if we should become Catholic, play with Barbies, get over it, find out who Joe Franklin is, observe lent, panic about everything, honor women in Engineering and Technology, surf up what our names mean, thank a dietician, eat a feast in honor of St. Francis, have some crabmeat, and get out of the house because we profess a bad case of cabin fever.

Hmmm, yeah, I think we'll just wash the dog, watch a movie, and take a nap.  Hey, I wonder if we can get those events added to the Diversity Calendar?

Yikes!

Well, we had our telecon with the Adoption Network Law Center last night.  It was eye-opening, if nothing else.  As far as the information she gave us, it was pretty redundant for me.  I've read many books on adoption and have scoured the web for every bit of information I could find.  I pretty much know how it works.

What really stood our hair on end was the price!  They want between 60 and 80K!  How is the average family supposed to afford that?  I suppose they are counting on the available adoption loans out there, knowing people will go far into debt in order to have the child they so desperately desire.  Of course, I now know this much about the Center: they are "for profit" whereas Bethany and other agencies are "not for profit."  I can tell you all this much - we are not willing to go that deeply in debt.  There are other ways to skin a cat - or - in our case, there are other ways to build a family.

It's actually not a bad thing that we can't afford them, because we wouldn't have used them anyway.  I mentioned yesterday about my concerns that they wouldn't be amenable to concentrating our birthmother search on the East Coast.  This woman confirmed that they really wouldn't be able to.  I'm not saying our birthmother has to be right here in our city, but I'd like for her to be close enough to visit with often.  The Center just wasn't the right match for us.

So our next step is Bethany and the informational meeting we are scheduled to attend.  I like that Bethany has a local office.  We'll see how it goes!  I have high expectations for Bethany and I pray that they are the right match for us.  God is good, and He will lead us where we're supposed to be.

Love to All.

Big Night at Our House!

Tonight, Tom and I have a teleconference with the Adoption Law Network!  We've gotten the package of information and now we've been set up with a representative.  This is really just a fact-finding mission at this point, but it will definitely help us to decide if we'll be using them when we move forward.

I'm a little hesitant about them at this point, so I'm looking for answers tonight.  When I made the initial contact with the company, I explained that we are going to want an open adoption.  The lady I spoke with didn't seem to have a problem with that.  Then I asked if they were able to concentrate their search for our mom-to-be within the East.  I asked that because I would like the woman who gives birth to our daughter to be a part of her life.  I don't want to just send a few updates and pictures every year, I want her to be involved with our child (for the child's sake...something I'll go into at another time.)

The lady didn't seemed to thrilled about that.  She mentioned that in order to "get a baby" in the quickest time frame possible, we would need to be open to the entire U.S. plus Puerto Rico and Hawaii. Ummmm...I'm not seeing the likelihood of the birthmom being able to attend my daughter's birthday parties and school recitals if she lives in PUERTO RICO.

I just think it's best for the birthmom, who can heal as she remains an active part of her baby's life, and our child, who will want to know her.  So we'll see how the conversation goes tonight.  Again, it was just the first woman I spoke to...the rep we speak to tonight may be much more amenable to our request.

We also have an informational meeting at Bethany this month.  So far I'm leaning towards them, and the costs are relatively similar.  (Both are hugely expensive!!)  I think I just like their attitude toward the whole process a little more.  I realize that it's a "business deal" to them, but it's a family to us; Tom and I, our baby, our families, the birthmom, and the birth family will share the gift of loving our child for the rest of our lives.

Love to All.